Broken and Whole

17 Oct Broken and Whole

This 8-week summer in Honduras was my first time in this tiny country, it was my first time working with Sparrow Missions, and it was actually my first time working in international missions in any capacity. I believe this is called a ‘baptism by fire.’

Before I go into how this summer has affected me, let me back up and tell the whole story. My first memory of discerning the prompting of the Holy Spirit was when I was 10 years old at a Nazarene Summer Camp. A missionary from Thailand asked the audience of children to come forward to the altar if they felt they were called to missions. I remember not understanding why, but knowing I needed to walk to the altar and ask for prayer. This was a cool moment for me, but my home church was too small to ever organize a mission trip, and this moment was soon forgotten.

Fast forward to junior year of high school. My Spanish teacher shared with our Spanish III class that she learned the language by becoming a missionary to Honduras. As she shared stories and pictures, my heart was stirred and my eyes began watering in the middle of class! I felt certain I was supposed to go to this nation one day, but I soon realized I didn’t even know where it was and that I would have no way of paying for this, so this moment was also forgotten.

When I was a sophomore in college, I met Hannah Conner, who wanted to study abroad just as much as I did. We decided to split a rental lease and study abroad for separate semesters. As we became close, she began telling me about Sparrow Missions, and my heart was captured. I told her I wanted to apply to be a summer intern, like her. She advised I go on a week-long mission trip first, but I knew that God was calling me to give Honduras my summer.

So I went. And Honduras broke me. Never before had I been face-to-face with such poverty, so many problems I couldn’t solve, and so many people I couldn’t save. I had never felt so responsible and yet so unable to make a difference. I was so confused. I knew God had been calling me here, to this moment, for over a decade. But if I was in the center of God’s will, why wasn’t my life easy and gratifying? These moments were discouraging and draining.

Still, Honduras also built me up. I saw generosity like I had never seen before. I saw child-like faith in the face of despair, rejection, and loss. I saw the Holy Spirit move in miraculous ways for needs big and small. This experience somehow broke my heart and filled it up in the same moment.

I realized that just because God calls us somewhere, it doesn’t mean we’re going to be good at it. We might not thrive by our standards. But, what were my standards of thriving anyways??  Feeling comfortable, satisfied, and proud of myself.  I think God might have a different perspective.  I’ve learned to reevaluate what I consider “thriving”: to bring glory to God’s name, to rely on His strength in the midst of my weakness, to humble myself so that He can become greater. Matthew 10 talks about our fear of things that destroy our body.  This could be stress, lack of sleep, or exhausting labor. But Jesus warns us that this fear is misplaced. We should really be afraid of what can destroy our souls. Striving to be comfortable, to feel good about ourselves, and to not inconvenience ourselves may protect our bodies, but they are stifling our souls.

Jesus loved and served others with reckless abandon. He never held back. He shared like the men of Minesterio Vida, who share their testimony with anyone who will listen. He served like the elderly at Asilo, who always want to rub my shoulders and tell me stories. He adored others like the children of the Sparrow Academy, who showered me with drawings and hugs and smiles.

Now, I am beginning to understand why God brought me to Honduras. To grow, I must be broken of my blindness to my own sin so He can make me whole in the fullness and depth of His love.

God Bless!  Ravyn